Hopeless.

It’s hopelessness. I’ve finally found the word I’ve been searching for. 

It’s hopelessness. It’s knowing I will never even the score. It’s not a quiet despair or a lengthy apology. It’s not seeing the end or finding survivors in a house that’s caved in.

I’ve lost hope and it doesn’t come with a heart that is broken. It doesn’t come with a feeling of lonely or a drawn out story. There’s a numbness inside and a graying I can’t hide. There’s an apathy that I don’t know if anyone can survive.

I’ve been searching for the feeling and trying to dredge up long gone tears. Long gone feelings and memories that I once feared. The pools are dried up and my love has turned to dust from the once oozing rot and I’m hopeless. 

I’m spent but I spend and I’m too far gone to mend.  I don’t have a conscience to bend since it doesn’t care about me or them. I think I’ve turned into you. I kind of hate me, too.