Hopeless.

It’s hopelessness. I’ve finally found the word I’ve been searching for. 

It’s hopelessness. It’s knowing I will never even the score. It’s not a quiet despair or a lengthy apology. It’s not seeing the end or finding survivors in a house that’s caved in.

I’ve lost hope and it doesn’t come with a heart that is broken. It doesn’t come with a feeling of lonely or a drawn out story. There’s a numbness inside and a graying I can’t hide. There’s an apathy that I don’t know if anyone can survive.

I’ve been searching for the feeling and trying to dredge up long gone tears. Long gone feelings and memories that I once feared. The pools are dried up and my love has turned to dust from the once oozing rot and I’m hopeless. 

I’m spent but I spend and I’m too far gone to mend.  I don’t have a conscience to bend since it doesn’t care about me or them. I think I’ve turned into you. I kind of hate me, too. 

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6 thoughts on “Hopeless.

  1. I often find apathy is far worse an experience than extreme sadness or anger. That numbness that dulls all the edges of life drags time can be really difficult. You captured it all very well here. Thanks for sharing and if this is autobiographical, I hope you feel again soon.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. “There’s a numbness inside and a graying…” describes how I’ve felt before so well. Expressed perfectly. I hope you find love for you soon. If you can’t find hope for anything right now know that there are people out here enjoying the immense talent of your writing and we hope that you continue sharing your gift.

    Liked by 1 person

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