Change.

I’ve never liked change. Ask my mother. The furniture must stay the same and touch the same walls. The smell of the detergent can’t be swapped for another. 

I run away when I’m afraid I will break. I come back hoping things will have stayed the same. I close my eyes when the scenery is too much to take.

Why do you love the Fall? The leaves turn and die, they drift forgotten to the ground. Buried in snow where they don’t see sun, once they were pretty, now they are done. I don’t want seasons to turn. I want to pretend I haven’t learned. 

I don’t wander lost in the world. I know exactly who I am. I’m not ready to be her… not ready to be that girl.

I don’t want to change or accept that you never will. I need to run away before it gets too real. I need to ignore the pulling in my core, to change, to rise, to be better than before. 

I’m not ready to fight my nature, I’m not ready to change. I want the same skies and same blankets, I want the same blame. I want you to change for me so I don’t have to make all the mistakes the same. 

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5 thoughts on “Change.

  1. Amun-Srete ~ The Temple of the Antikythera Mechanism

    Shalott looks around
    She is in her room
    Actually she is in the room she used to live in
    Before she left home

    She watches a younger her
    Hesitating at the door of her room
    Today is the first day
    Of the rest of it
    And she hesitates there in the door
    “What will we do today?
    Will the other kids be mean?
    What if the bus driver forgets me
    How long before you notice
    And what could happen to me then?”
    The girl asks of no one in particular

    She looks about the room at all her things
    And considers just staying in this room for the rest of her life
    Considers going into a nunnery
    Considers
    Walks through the door to breakfast
    Which is not a new thing after all

    Time swirls and
    She hesitates at the living room door
    She is touching the couch like it’s her best friend
    “Will I have to take a nap
    Because I don’t think I could just sleep . . .
    Does these pants look OK?”
    She see the photos on the wall
    And suddenly wants to just look at them forever

    She hesitates getting into the car
    “I think I have bronchitis.
    “Jennifer Shelding doesn’t like me and she will be there you know.
    And all those boys . . . I hate boys
    They stink and they’re stupid.
    Why do girls get stupid when they talk to boys?”

    She hesitates at the bathroom door
    And considers what the cool kids will be doing
    When she goes to middle school
    “Why do I have to go?
    They don’t teach me anything.
    Just a bunch of middle aged jerks . . .
    Yes mam.”

    Time swirls and
    She hesitates at the gym door
    Her prom dress is less than she wanted
    And Jimmy Farthing
    I mean Jimmy Farthing
    Really . . .
    Still he is nice to her
    And he doesn’t look nearly as bad as he usually does

    She hesitates at her dorm room door
    What if she hates her room mate?
    What if she flunks out?
    What if she has all these student loans
    That force her to work in a job she doesn’t like
    And stay in one place when she really wants to roam

    Time swirls and
    And there he stands
    I mean isn’t there always one of these guys
    In all the stories she likes
    And he is holding something in his hand
    And he’s smiling one of those enigmatic smiles

    She’s not sure if she trusts him
    Not sure he’s actually there
    And then he speaks
    He speaks of many things in her past
    And it as if he has always known her

    She still doesn’t trust him
    But she wants to see what he has in his hand
    So she asks him
    His eyes are warm and weathered and he steps
    Close enough to not be threatening

    In his hand is the Antikythera Mechanism
    A bronze device the size of a tea saucer
    And dancing across the facets
    Are all the things that have ever been
    All the things that will ever be
    And it’s all so much
    And it’s all so small
    That she can’t make out any of it
    And certainly can’t see her role in all this

    ”I’m not asking which to choose
    I’m not even asking for a shove in the right direction”

    ”What I want is some clarity
    I want to know what I’m choosing between
    I want to know what I’m taking with me
    and what I’m leaving behind in the dust.”

    “Young one
    You are choosing between the opposites of human existence
    And you’ve been choosing all your life
    Choosing whether to go or stay
    Whether to run or play
    Where to go and what to do
    It has always been you.”

    “But some of those choices sucked
    And things have been broken
    And face it
    I’ve always been stubborn . . .”

    “Strong willed perhaps
    But that’s why you never chose drugs
    Or the easy ways that lead to true despair.
    And yes you have made mistakes
    But you have learned from each of them.”

    “Why can’t I simplify all the stuff on that stupid disk?
    Why are there no equations
    Hell I’d even settle for some probability studies
    Just something . . .”

    “Some things can be simplified
    And some things can’t.
    When you’re looking at the Total Life Equation
    It must be expressed with Chaos elements
    If it is to be Real.”

    “I don’t like that.
    It makes me afraid.”

    “No one expects you to like it
    But that is the definition of courage
    Is it not
    ‘She was afraid but she went on anyway.’
    And for the most part succeeded.”

    “What are my choices?”

    “The same as all your life.
    To go into the next room
    Or stay where you are.
    To let Love course your veins
    Or remain pure and chaste
    To take a chance on hurting yourself
    On the thorns that grow
    Along the path to the future
    Or to play it safe in your room.
    You know most of these choices
    Are not yin/yang pairs
    And you will live through most of your mistakes.”

    He pauses
    She couldn’t tell if it was just for effect
    “You will chose whether to remain a child or become a woman.
    Whether you face each day as a challenge
    Or a curse.
    No one can make this choice for you
    But you are not alone.
    You will never be alone.”

    The stranger placed the disk in her hand
    And she tries to give it back
    “I can’t take this
    It’s much too valuable.”

    “I hesitate to say this
    Gentle one but you must take this
    Consider it an offering . . .”

    “Where did you get it?”

    His eyes were winsome
    And a smile glows at the corners of his mouth
    He takes off his hat and bows to her
    “Time is not linear dear one
    You gave it to me
    When you saved me.”

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