In the darkest of parts in the deepest corners of my brain, I wish I was like the others who think it’s their fault and they are all to blame.
I wish I hated how I looked or thought. I wish I could wallow because it was all my fault.
I want to be irrational. I want to be insane. I want to be crazy like we are stereotyped to be. I wish there was an imbalance in my brain.
I’m not crazy. I’m not plain. I’m the most logical in all parts of my brain.
There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my friends. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. There is a balance in loving you…and them too. I give and I give. Loyal to a fault. I would give anything for this to be a farse.
I wish I felt like I was wrong. I wish I thought I had ruined this all.
But I didn’t.
I love how I think. That I can see from your side of the chasm and from mine. That I can see it like I wasn’t the heartbroken one all the time.
I don’t weave webs, I don’t cast haze, I don’t lure anyone into traps or mind games. There aren’t grenades and bombs that will fall. You were safe but too scared to give me it all.
In the darkest parts of me I wish that I could hate what I am told to. That I’m probably the reason he left. That it’s my fault for who I am…
Im alone in my boat, strong back to wield the oars on my own. A strong mind and a lonely heart are my burdensome home.