The fear of rape.

For the first time as a woman, I feared for my physical well being around a man tonight. Not to be dramatic, I thought I might get raped tonight.

Unfortunately, no matter how little we have in common or dislike one another, every woman has had a moment of fear, a hyper awareness of the parking lot she is walking in, keys death gripped in preparation of an attack. There will always be that back-of-the-mind fear (unless they are some black belt  Chun Li).

Fear of a parking lot stranger or alley way attacker is something I was “ready” for…not watching a movie with a seemingly normal guy.

One movie. Less than two hours and he made moves to kiss me and put his hands down my shirt. Agressively. After I’d told him to cool it. Why didn’t I leave? I felt the crazy just behind his fake gentleman routine. Pushing wine on me, not letting go of my face when I tried to laughingly turn away. So I sat through a movie constantly planning my move to leave without angering this hulking army vet. Mostly I didn’t leave because instinctively, I felt that something was off with him…that I would have to play it the right way to keep him from getting more aggressive than he already was. I knew I couldn’t just get up and go. I was scared.

Putting on my shoes made him mad. He tried to pull me into him…trying to stay smiling, I told him no and tried to pull away. He didn’t let go right away. I felt helpless. I knew I couldn’t leave if he didn’t want me to.

He started grumbling about how he hated people and throwing the blanket on the couch and angrily straightening up. I literally fumbled with the lock on the door like in the movies…I ran out the door. I ran to my car. I heard him open the front door after I’d slammed it shut but I didn’t look back, I didn’t look up until I was in my car. I didn’t see him.

I didn’t break down until I got down the street. Drove to my friends and cried hysterically in his shoulder. He noticed the holes in my sweater from fingers being ripped through.

I’ve never been scared for my body before. Literally never.

I guess I’m posting this because it doesn’t make sense. I dont know how to feel right now.That the obvious fear in a woman, the ‘no’s, the pulling away, isn’t always enough. There is always going to be a need for women to be scared. There is always going to be a need to teach girls to yell “fire” and not “rape”, to hold our keys like weapons, to be less vulnerable.

I literally brag about my friends, the guys, to other women. I jokingly say, “you could pass out naked and they would cover you up and make fun  of you in the morning.” Those are the men I’m used to. The men I expect to be in my life. Good, kind, moral men. So when my world got rattled tonight for the first time in 27 years of sexual safety, I feel like a stupid little girl.

I hate this for women. I hate that others aren’t so lucky. That the fear I felt is something I can consider “lucky” instead of sickening and fucked up.

It’s  so fucked up.

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6 thoughts on “The fear of rape.

  1. Thank you for sharing. We need to bring more attention to the reality of this and to sexism. We should not have to wear a cloak of fear and be on the defense like we are. Sometimes it is very subtle, sometimes, like your situation, not subtle at all, but it is always there. The more we bring this out into the open the more people will start to see it in the more changes possible. Thank you for sharing your story and please encourage others to do so when you hear of them in similar situations. We need to come together to bring awareness to this injustice towards women. Soon glad you got out of there safely. This should be reported so it shows on his record. You are awesome!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have never been raped and I thank Heavenly Father for that. However, I was assaulted in a convenience store that my husband and I were working at. The two young men came in. One said to me, “Hey, mama”. It felt off to me. I shrugged it off because I’m always getting weird greetings around here. The other guy needed something that caused my husband to have to go to the back of the store. Once my husband was out of eye and ear shot, the remaining guy made his move. He pinned me to the beer trough, had something hard and pointy poking into my behind. I don’t know what it was… Anyway, I don’t know what would have happened next, but his friend came forward and that distracted him enough for me to get away. I ran to the back where my husband was and just totally freaked out, telling him what happened, wondering what would have happened. My husband is disabled and came forward as fast as he could. I heard the one guy say to the other, “Where’d she go?” Once they realized where I’d gone and that my husband was coming, they high-tailed it out of there. I was too freaked out to give a description. When I get very scared, I get some form of amnesia. I don’t know why.

    What you went through was far worse than my experience and I am so sorry for what you experienced. My experience left me terrified of every short-statured, dark, curly-haired young man. I live in an area that has a large Hispanic population, so this pretty well always has me wondering, “Is that him? Is that the one?” I quit that job for a couple of years. When I went back to it, I no longer did work on the customer side of the counter. I stayed behind the counter and if a man came in, I did not leave that area. I’m forever looking over my shoulder. If I go outside, my husband goes out with me.

    This place isn’t safe. Nowhere is 100% safe, not so long as there are women and there are men. Yes, we ladies have to stick together. There is safety in numbers.

    I pray that no one will ever hurt you or terrify you like this ever again. May you have a blessed night.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry you went through that. That sounds absolutely terrifying!! It seems women will always have to have that 6th sense to keep fr getting sexually assaulted and it’s crap. It’s complete crap to be considered prey. I’m glad you were okay, too ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you. It was a very unnerving time, but I know it could have turned out much worse. We found out much later that store was targeted for an armed robbery the night we were there. But, the robbers found out we were the ones on duty and waited for another shift. They nearly killed the next guy. I am so glad that we are out of that place!

        It is a bad world out there for women and children, too. Gone are the days of running to the playground without mama or daddy tagging along. That is so sad. We have to help teach our children about personal safety without terrifying them in the process. It is a very difficult task. We don’t want them to live in fear, but we don’t want them to become victims, too.
        Thank you. I hope that you have a beautiful day. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

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