I texted a friend I hadn’t seen in a few months the other night,
“When are you coming back in town?”
“Not for a while. Why?”
“Because I miss you, duh.”
“Your ability to love is something I’ve always aspired to.”
This is one of those compliments you hear and never forget. Where you are used to very topical compliments and descriptors like how pretty you are or how funny you are, ones like these make your face burn. In a good way, obviously.
Basically, I know that I am a very attached kind of person. I find people or things that I grow to love and then can’t imagine not having them. I’m also a very strong kind of person. I can handle these things being taken from me, even if it causes an open wound in me.
I mention this conversation because it really helped me see how I am perceived by my close friends and family. I have been desperately been missing an old best friend (yes, once boyfriend) for the past couple years. Long story short, we were best friends for years but I did not love him the way he wanted me to and now he won’t talk to me because it’s too hard for him. So I have this part of me that mourns the loss of someone I’ve been so close to since I was 16. This struggle that I want to reach out because I miss him versus realizing that it is selfish to contact him because I’m sad. So I wallowed for a while. Sometimes I feel crazy that I actually miss someone after years of not knowing them. Years of becoming strangers again. But then I have great friends who remind me that I love my friends. I love what I feel is deserved and that it is admirable. I’m not clingy. I’m not crazy. I’m not “a girl”.
I can’t help that I get attached to things and I no longer feel bad about it.