This time.

Those kind eyes are warmer than the light through the trees; they know me, they melt me, they see. 

You kiss my hair, intertwine our hands, tell the truth and we talk all night. I don’t need a crowbar to get into your head. You lay it on the table and show me the cards instead.

You fit so perfectly into my puzzle piece, I missed you, and you’ve missed me. You’ve changed and are proving it to me. 

You are cool waters that cool my soul. I fall into you to quell my embers and coal.

Your brown eyes melt into mine and things seem different this time. 

The Girl. 

I’m supposed to hate you. For some reason I feel like we are the warm and cold front that causes storms. 

 I’m supposed to want to douse your fire and watch you struggle to light and burn. I like how you burn. I am drawn to your fire and clearly never learn. 

You’re the girl I’m supposed to hate. Supposed to ruin and go wild with rage. Yet I’m pulled by your cold front and try to pull back. Too much of me and we will collide and fracture the sky. Why are we drawn in the same frame?

 I’m supposed to hate you. Society has always hated storms. They say to steer clear, hide from all their forms. 

Sailors can’t navigate a tempestuous sky. We learned the hard way and this is why…this is why I can’t hate you. 

Weather patterns that conflict with clear skies. The storm I can’t shake. The girl with the eyes. 

Drops.

Rainfall muddles all the colors into gray. It falls like all the thoughts I don’t know how to say. Once dirty streets seem to sparkle like they couldn’t be happier to be clean.

Brilliant street lamps smear the road and burn in the dark. The water falls gently and tries to soften my hardened heart.

Where do all the memories go when you don’t remember what you were told? Where do all the pieces go that you’ve dropped along the roads? 

Drops of rain and drops of you, I’m soaked in you. The kindest eyes find me when I close mine. Please, let what he’s said be true. I can’t bear to fall for another “you.”

Twisted.

I know you watched my misery like a circus show. I know you fed on my heartache like a starving murder of crows. 

But when I am removed from your lives, you fall apart each and every time. I am the glue and give you both fuel and now you’ve run your car off the road; nowhere to turn to. 

I can’t help but watch, twisted and confused, I still have a pull to you. I feel it in my bones as I watch you smear across the road. 

I feel your spirit dark and dirty, somewhere close to mine. I hope the asphalt tasted like your own blood this time.

I love your pain but I hate your hurt. I’ve been there before but think it’s something you deserve. 

Yet I can’t wipe the thoughts of knowing you from my mind. It must be something about greens eyes. 

I win. 

Oh, but you forget how I always win. Don’t you remember it’s me that is engrained in your skin?

You came creeping in like I’d forget all your indiscretions. Like I’d forget how you threw me out and not learn my lesson. 

Two times was two too many chances and you seem to think saying you’re finished with her will sweep me of my steady feet. 

Go fuck yourself. Go fuck up your life. You can’t have any bit of mine. She’ll take you back in time.

Did you think “I’m sorry,” was enough to repair the damage you wrought? Stiches had to be made. Infections tried to make me rot. Do you think you can come back and I’d fall into everything you’re not?

Because you’re not kind or sweet. You are not caring or even functioning. You’re a broken old toy that no one wants to use. You messed up and did nothing but abuse. 

Go fuck yourself. Go fuck up your own life. Did you really think I’d make the same mistake more than twice?

I win. Again.

Fool Me Once.

I had forgotten how sweet your lips were. I had forgotten how softly and exactly they fit onto mine. 

I won’t be played for a fool this time.

I’d forgotten how your fingers fit so warmly intertwined with mine. I’d forgotten the constellations that dot your shoulders and your back.

I won’t be taken in just like that.

I’d forgotten that you look into my eyes and are never the first to look away. I’d forgotten that, with you, I never know what to say. I’d forgotten that you fit like a puzzle piece.

I won’t let you ruin my peace.

I’ve become hardened and war bound. I wear armor and don’t fall down. I don’t want to feel helpless ever again. I don’t want to give up on everything I’ve gained. 

But your pillow lips hug mine close and your broad shoulders promise to never let me go. 

I have no idea what I’m doing or what feelings to show. I’ve always wanted you and I think you’ve always known.

Big White Truck.

He follows through. 

I probably sound childish when I continually ask if we are still doing what we planned to do.

I never realized how accustomed I was to broken promises and feigned forgetfulness…I never realized the others trained me to expect so much less. 

I let his demons keep him chained. I let green eyes rule me and almost forgot my name. 

He doesn’t make me wonder if he remembers we have plans. He doesn’t let me open my own car door and likes to hold my hand

I barely know this man who puts you all to shame. He understands that follow through isn’t a chore, it’s just how he was raised. 

Both of you liked to put me in the corner in between the walls. I was a naughty child when I was upset that you didn’t follow through at all. 

He barely knows me and he treats me like I’m worthy. Like I matter more than his phone and more than either of you ever showed. 

I’d forgotten what an unbroken promise felt like. He doesn’t have to try to be kind. He is practically a stranger and yet I know I’m not wasting my time.

Spelunking.

You’ve never been one to make the reach. Exerting effort was never something you liked. You’d rather not have to try. 

You don’t want to fight for what you want. Let it come to you. Don’t try,  just hope that She finds you.  Whomever “She” is. 

I hope you find someone that you want so badly you climb out of the dark. I hope you find a reason to use your unused heart. 

I learned long ago that I don’t like the dark. I hate caverns where I can’t feel the stars. You are a cavern. 

You don’t want to be alone in the echoes. You are terrified of all the things you don’t know. Like being alone. Having to stay or go. Finding your own home. 

One day I hope you make the reach. I used to wish that it was me. Part of me still wants you to make the leap. Reach for me.

But I don’t go climbing into caves, anymore. I know myself enough to know I’ll get lost. I know I fit too well inside caverns without doors and it scares me that it’s so easy to not want more. 

I won’t go inside the caverns and I won’t pretend I like your cave. I wish you’d climb out, reach, you can be the one to do the save. 

Save yourself. 

You don’t know.

You say you don’t know. You think you were clear. You say you don’t know and it’s a lie that you’ve told yourself for years.

You say you don’t know. As if you’ve forgotten the phone call in the rain. How sorry you were. Yet you did the exact same thing the very next day. 

You say you don’t know. Like you didn’t know that your words and actions need to match. Like you didn’t know you ignored me after saying you wanted me back.

You say you don’t know. And, darling, if that’s true, then I probably dodged a bullet with you. 

If you don’t know that you can’t come and go in someone’s life whenever you please, you are either lying or you are too consumed by your own selfish needs.

You don’t know that consistency is key? That doing what you say matters more than the ‘sorrys’ you’ve laid? 

You say you don’t know and I’m sorry you don’t. I suppose there are women out there who will let you do the things I won’t.

I guess I don’t know.