Lost.

Where am I supposed to set my worries when the Moon has turned Her glowing back?

Where do I heave my sadness when the man I trusted made me take it all back?

Where do all the doubts go as they collect like waste in the sewers of my mind?

Where can I leave them so I can wash off my body covered in lies?

How do I find solace when there isnt really anything I fear? Death has come, the Moon no longer shows, I was lied to and nothing is really real.

Where is the place my dirty hands can get clean? The Cosmos have left me and a man has turned me mean…where can I wash myself of everything I’ve seen?

Is there a home for me now that I’ve been forsaken by my lifelines? Will there be a safe place once again, forgiveness from the Sky?

Or do the stars keep tumbling down and filling up my throat, promising to drown me, suffocate me in everything I know?

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11:11

Did the Sky conspire against me? Did my safe haven decide I needed to fall? Did the very Moon that I confide in decide I wasn’t worthy of Her love after all?

Small pieces began to fall from my roof crippling the walls. She blew through my windows and ripped through the halls.

She cracked my foundation and I don’t know where to look to at all.

She used to mean safety and somewhere to scream in the dark. Dazzling and bright She was always there, even on the cloudiest night.

She answered with numbers that I see everywhere. She assured me with tarot, the right cards always landed perfectly there.

The very Moon I come to might be throwing me aside. Are the stars themselves purposefully unaligned?

My house is crumbling but She was always there to take the cracks… Has she taken my numbers–my faith–and will She ever give them back?

Stay.

In the darkness of separate beds, hoping a phone lights up to justify the crazy swimming around in heads, I wish he was here instead.

Swallow up the noise of “I’m sorrys,” and gently suffocate them with these pillows. Say you don’t need them, I keep choking and don’t remember how to swallow.

Begging for a soft rap on my door, turn the key, I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

There isn’t a fight to yell on opposite sides. No venom to secrete. Quiet, silence, I just want him to come to me.

Only bad dreams come with sleep. Stay up late waiting for it to forcefully take me. Smother me in lavender sheets. Don’t let me leave. Please come quick, please crawl in to bed with me.

In separate beds that feel galaxies away, I need a text, I need him to stay.

Garbles.

I hope you found peace with all those demons in your head.

You gave me another one to battle with laying here in bed.

Are you safe? Was it kind? Are you still you? Do you know how broken I am in my mind?

Did all the torments finally end for you, wherever you are? Did the monsters finally tame? Do you hear me losing faith in the stars?

I hope the weight you’ve been carrying is gone. I hope you’ve finally figured out those sails. I can’t near the thought of this journey going wrong.

Did you hear the whispers from your sleep? The screams off mountains? Those were me. Do you care at all? Where do all those lost boys end up after the fall?

Where do all all the questions get answered? What mountains do I need to claw through? I’ll rip down the Moon if someone can tell me what to do?

Why did you have to leave and leave all these horrible thoughts of mine to spiral? Who do you think you are letting all of this get tangles?

Where do all the lost boys go?? Why can’t I get the answers and just follow?

I want you to have so much deserved peace. But I want all of you to just be back on earth, I need you here so I can breath.

I’ve never been more broken than the new shattered me.

Theif.

I’ve never had death so close to my front door. She came last night and softly knocked, apologizing that she couldn’t have done more.

She took him during rainy nights. Cool September nights. She closed those green eyes. Now I’m tumbling through the sky.

It’s upside down. It isn’t right. He was nothing but fire and sea foam and fight. She slipped in and took him. He’s gone. Holding in with all my might.

She was kind. She had so many sorrys dripping from her eyes. She wanted him for her own and knew we’d all hate her for stealing our goodbyes.

Strong doesn’t last forever, I learned. A warrior, a soldier, had to go home. He has family he hasn’t seen in years…I hope they make it worth all of these tears.

Take him home, hug him close. I don’t know how his mother will handle letting him go. His brothers must have missed him just like we’ll have to. He has so many brothers in his new forever home.

Are.

People don’t change. There isn’t a spin that reveals a girl ready for a ball. The white mouse isn’t going to become a steed. We are who we are and it is a lovely thing.

As we learn who we are there are little layers chipped into the years of our lead based paint. We find corners and wallpapers we love and sometimes hate. We always were a finished house with hundreds of new turns to take. Hundreds of layers of paint.

We don’t turn into a hero or a villain. Those characters have always lived in our skin. We find them, we choose them, we discover all the characters within.

I don’t want to be a new person in the morning. I’ll keep chipping away at the paint. I’ll keep remodeling and learning. I don’t want a mouse that becomes a great white steed.

We are who we are and it is the most adventurous thing.

Take Me.

There’s something about a blank page and a full moon. Something about the electricity in the air between me and you.

Excitement and hope. Something about this moment feels completely new. Rope down the moon, dusted off stars, the cosmos align for who we are.

Jumping off cliffs, swimming treacherous depths, following ambiguous seas with you is as all in as it can get.

Take these moon soaked eyes and freckled skin. Take the loose lipped laughter and toe curling sins.

Take me under with those honey sweet eyes. Take me under and lets never say goodbye.

Grave digger.

I went grave digging and fell in the hole. I went grave digging and cast aside my soul.

I shoveled deep into the dirt. I found more than skeletons and I never knew this kind of hurt.

Throw the earth over my shoulder, dig frantically with my hands, wild like a dog, broken by man.

Deep in that trench I’ve lost my surroundings. The compass doesn’t work and I feel pieces inside me crumble into hiding.

Sliding down wet earth into what I know will break me. I’ve dug up truths that have been buried deep. I’m not falling apart, I’m already apart, I’m just making it too messy to keep.

I’m looting the graveyard and become sick when I dig too far. I’m just flesh and bones, broken and ruined, crying to be pulled out and taken home.

Natalie.

Have I told you lately that I love you?

Have I reminded you that I value you more than I let on?

Have I told you I think you are precious, irreplaceable, the most tender of songs?

You are.

You are kind and you are thoughtful. You care so deeply you are always digging scars deep into your own flesh.

You feel everyone’s pain so much you often ignore your own needs. You simply forget.

Stay you, darling, stay you. Your insides are more beautiful when you remember all the battles you’ve been through.

Sometimes you forget to be kind to you. To treat yourself like your mother would do. Like your father or your nieces. Love yourself like they do. Don’t forget to.

Have I told you lately I love you?

You are amber droplets dazzling the trees. You are summer winds inspiring someone somewhere to just jump in.

You are hot nights on mountain tops, following dreams and not condemning those who are not.

Don’t forget, darling, you are perfectly you. Sometimes you need to remind yourself that because no one can love you like you need to do.