Fall.

Is it all falling apart, are we names in the sand?

Can we try harder, be better, hold gentler hands?

I don’t want to get washed away with the slowness of high tide. I don’t want to lose you in salt water and pride.

I don’t want to let you drip like water in cupped fingers. Don’t want to be just a current that doesn’t linger.

I want to be the salt that sticks to your hair. The salt that sticks to your clothes. I want to be the thing that sticks to you, that scent that no matter what, you’ll always know.

I want to always build castles in the wet sand I want you always to be my man.

I want to fall together back in crinkly eyes and tangled toes.

I don’t want to fall apart and I don’t want to let go.

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Abundance.

Too much sunshine will make a desert. Too much heat will dry it all out. Shifting sands get hard to sort through and the beige is all there is to think about.

Too much sunshine isn’t healthy for your soul, they say. Cacti are too hard to hug. Don’t swallow all the sunshine, baby, no one wants to burn themselves on what you’re dreaming of.

But what happens when there is too much rain? When the storms just keep on pouring? When the leaves can’t protect your ground and the dirt can’t soak up the run off sloshing all around?

Will it make a rain forest, lush and green and vibrantly new? Will the water drown pretty flowers just trying to make do?

Will this be a rain forest or will this fail, too?

Love,

Quiet, Love, you’ve been hiding in the floor boards. Sweet, Love, you’ve been slipping in and out waiting for Soft Words. You’ve been trying to read the signs.

Dear, Love, you feel so much and it’s who you are. Take you or leave you, there’s nothing else they can do. Your nature is written in the stars.

You cry a lot because your emotions fill up every nook in your being. You feel so deeply for others, the tears leak out, and it isn’t a bad thing to be. You should have been named Empathy.

Darling, Love, you want to embrace every bit of their darkness in hopes it leaks out their own bits of light. Sometimes you try to fix things better left alone, it’s your cosmic kryptonite.

Love, if you’re loved he will let you know. Love, if he loves you he won’t let you go.

Small.

When you feel like falling to bits, when you feel like maybe you weren’t made for this, don’t forget you are every detailed bit they are terrified to miss.

When those waves come to drown you just remember you can swim, you can float, you don’t have to let the water in.

When they try to make you feel very small, like you never mattered to them at all, you don’t have to listen. You are allowed to miss them and still turn away. You don’t have to let anyone treat you that way.

Sometimes I feel strong. A force that will wreck down entire cities. Sometimes he makes me feel like I can’t even just be me. Sometimes I feel weak. Like I can’t do the simplest things. It’s been a very long time since I’ve opened my wings.

Just remember when the outside comes calling that you don’t have to answer that number, you don’t have to always answer the door. Star child, you deserve so much more.

Tonight I feel small and the Cosmos too big. I thought I wasn’t alone in this.

Shed.

You have to shed your Summer skin, darling, you have to wiggle out.

You have to accept the warmth that makes you glow is now the steely kisses from the coming snow.

Leave the too tight skin behind and turn your face up to the burning winter lights. Take the sharpened edge of Eden and forge on into these darkest nights.

Darling, you are made of the carbon that makes the stars. The dust that makes them spark is the dust that is inside you, trying to spark your heart.

Dearling, you won’t forget the sun, she was kind and soft and cradled you when you came undone. Now, the sharpness is going to recarve your bones and angle your brow. The Moon and the dark are your only soldiers, now.

Dear heart, leave that skin in your lovely untarnished past. Too much has shaped you to carry that dead outer skeleton here. There are too many night times you’ll have to face to bring them along, my dear.

Darling, you’re braver when Winter comes from Fall. Your armor sparkles in that piercing Winter air. Darling, leave that Summer skin behind because to the Winter it isn’t fair at all.

Lost.

Where am I supposed to set my worries when the Moon has turned Her glowing back?

Where do I heave my sadness when the man I trusted made me take it all back?

Where do all the doubts go as they collect like waste in the sewers of my mind?

Where can I leave them so I can wash off my body covered in lies?

How do I find solace when there isnt really anything I fear? Death has come, the Moon no longer shows, I was lied to and nothing is really real.

Where is the place my dirty hands can get clean? The Cosmos have left me and a man has turned me mean…where can I wash myself of everything I’ve seen?

Is there a home for me now that I’ve been forsaken by my lifelines? Will there be a safe place once again, forgiveness from the Sky?

Or do the stars keep tumbling down and filling up my throat, promising to drown me, suffocate me in everything I know?

11:11

Did the Sky conspire against me? Did my safe haven decide I needed to fall? Did the very Moon that I confide in decide I wasn’t worthy of Her love after all?

Small pieces began to fall from my roof crippling the walls. She blew through my windows and ripped through the halls.

She cracked my foundation and I don’t know where to look to at all.

She used to mean safety and somewhere to scream in the dark. Dazzling and bright She was always there, even on the cloudiest night.

She answered with numbers that I see everywhere. She assured me with tarot, the right cards always landed perfectly there.

The very Moon I come to might be throwing me aside. Are the stars themselves purposefully unaligned?

My house is crumbling but She was always there to take the cracks… Has she taken my numbers–my faith–and will She ever give them back?

Stay.

In the darkness of separate beds, hoping a phone lights up to justify the crazy swimming around in heads, I wish he was here instead.

Swallow up the noise of “I’m sorrys,” and gently suffocate them with these pillows. Say you don’t need them, I keep choking and don’t remember how to swallow.

Begging for a soft rap on my door, turn the key, I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

There isn’t a fight to yell on opposite sides. No venom to secrete. Quiet, silence, I just want him to come to me.

Only bad dreams come with sleep. Stay up late waiting for it to forcefully take me. Smother me in lavender sheets. Don’t let me leave. Please come quick, please crawl in to bed with me.

In separate beds that feel galaxies away, I need a text, I need him to stay.

Garbles.

I hope you found peace with all those demons in your head.

You gave me another one to battle with laying here in bed.

Are you safe? Was it kind? Are you still you? Do you know how broken I am in my mind?

Did all the torments finally end for you, wherever you are? Did the monsters finally tame? Do you hear me losing faith in the stars?

I hope the weight you’ve been carrying is gone. I hope you’ve finally figured out those sails. I can’t near the thought of this journey going wrong.

Did you hear the whispers from your sleep? The screams off mountains? Those were me. Do you care at all? Where do all those lost boys end up after the fall?

Where do all all the questions get answered? What mountains do I need to claw through? I’ll rip down the Moon if someone can tell me what to do?

Why did you have to leave and leave all these horrible thoughts of mine to spiral? Who do you think you are letting all of this get tangles?

Where do all the lost boys go?? Why can’t I get the answers and just follow?

I want you to have so much deserved peace. But I want all of you to just be back on earth, I need you here so I can breath.

I’ve never been more broken than the new shattered me.